How can I get through Christmas?

With all the cheer and celebrations that Christmas brings, it can be daunting for those who are newly bereaved - that first Christmas without someone you love is so hard. The thought of going to shopping centres can be overwhelming, listening to those carols, seeing people happily (or stressfully) buying gifts for others.

I'd like you to think about the following scenario:

Imagine your really close friend has just broken their leg, they are physically incapacitated and being the highly organised person they are, the week before Christmas they haven't even started their Christmas shopping (perhaps they were male or just like me!). They ring you up and say "Robyn, I've been sitting here looking through the junk mail and I really need a few things from K-Mart. If it isn't too much bother, do you think if you are passing there this week, you could pick a couple of things up for me?"

What would you do? Would you say "no I'm sorry I'm not going near K-Mart this week"? Or would you (even knowing you swore you were not going near the shops again) say... "of course, no problem, make a list of what you want and I'll get them". And although cursing under your breath at the parking - you feel good that you have been able to help a friend.

I can hear you saying.... "but I haven't got a broken leg" ..... you are quite right, but you have got a broken heart and we all know that a plaster cast and physiotherapy will not fix that!

I'm sure, like me, when someone precious in my life died, so many people said to me "if there is anything I can ever do to help, please just ask" - well NOW is the time to ask if you need to. Can you imagine the joy that it will give them to know they can do something to help you? Put yourself in their position. Or perhaps you could say, "instead of buying a gift for me this year, could you please go and do some shopping for me instead? I just can't face going near the shops right now." Or perhaps you can ask them to go with you to the shops (it's a lot easier to run out of the shop and have someone still there to get your credit card back). Sometimes just having someone beside you makes it easier, particularly if you used to go and do the shopping with your loved one.

Just a suggestion and like all suggestions, take what you need and leave the rest.

Some things you might consider for this year:

Having a remembrance table at a family get together can be helpful where mementos can be brought of not just your loved one, but anyone special who has gone before us can be remembered.

Ask people to bring their favourite photo of your loved one - rarely are there sad photos! Or tell a story of a funny incidence they were involved in or a special memory they have (prior notice is good – allow them lunchtime to think about it and remind them that it’s ok if they don’t want to do it).

Lighting a candle to place in the centre of the table, to show their spirit is still around. Candles are recognized world wide as a symbol of hope.

The giving of gifts either through here or through another charity for children in need. (rather than one expensive gift I usually buy several between $20-30 each).

Why not buy a new decoration this year? A beautiful round ball to hang on the tree, that will be for your loved one who has died. Perhaps you can have it engraved, and then each year, when you decorate your Christmas tree, that person’s decoration will be there for all to see. Place your new ornament near the top of the tree next to the star of hope because if your loved one could give you a gift this year, that is what it would be – hope that you will see the rainbow after skies of grey as you allow sunshine to enter your lives again.

Why not plant a tree/shrub/flower?

Why not do something you have never done before, like take a picnic to the park instead of the chore of cooking

If there is a table place missing, say Grandpa at the head of the table, make it a prize to be drawn out of the hat as to who sits in that chair, give them something to decide, eg. we will have opening the presents after lunch, so that it becomes a coveted place to sit, or if they are old enough, let them carve or serve something that that loved one once did.

If you have someone who wants to stay by themselves for the day, don't force them to be involved, sometimes being invited to somewhere where all their family are there only makes it more obvious to you that your's is not.

BE KIND TO YOURSELF, you only have to get through today - one day at a time!